Update… February 2013
Okay, so its been a while… hello everyone
So, I’ve basically been a bit busy for tumblr recently, and I think I also at the moment need it less. You see tumblr used to be a nice (okay…so I don’t want to say escape) but basically, yeah, a escape. And now I just have less to escape from I suppose. So everything with me and Adam is perfect, he makes me really happy, and everything is so great. I just feel so marvellously in love, its pretty brilliant. We just have so much fun together, and I’m never bored or unhappy about anything when I’m with him. Everything with him is brilliant. I mean the sex is good (although at the moment I’m feeling a little insecure… I don’t think he’s going to cheat on me or something, I’m not insecure like that! I just mean I think that he’s not getting that much out of it…I’m working on it) and its his 18th birthday this week, which is exciting, and we’ve been going out for nearly 7 months now, he was my first kiss, our whole relationship has been beyond perfect. Yeah, but the thing I love the most about going out with him is when I’m just lay with him and then we’re just talking and he’s got his arms around me and I just would never want to be anywhere else. And then waking up to see him there, and to be able to kiss him. Knowing that when my parents are shit then I can call him and he’ll listen to me cry and he’ll hug me and kiss my hair and oh my god, he’s just the best. I don’t know how I could ever be this happy with anyone. Yeah, its just brilliant.
School is fine right now, we had AS level exams in January, so I get the results for those next Thursday, which is pretty bloody scary, I mean these are seriously important. I need 4 As, I basically need them. And then choosing what I want to do for uni right now, I mean its such a massive decision, I’m thinking chemistry or biomedical sciences, or something like that. I don’t want to be a medicine drop-out though, and I feel like that’s what those courses are… I’m not sure… And then at the moment school is going okay, I’m already shitting it a little bit for summer exams, which I’ve already started revising for. I can’t mess up and that’s that. It’s really important I do well.
And then my parents…hmmm….well I don’t know. Sometimes they’re alright, and sometimes I just can’t wait to leave.
And then my friends. Well that all seems okay right now, although I’m much more friends with Emma than Elizabeth right now, I don’t really know why, I just feel we;re not so much friends any more. We’ll see what happens with that, to be honest I can’t say I’ll be heartbroken if we end up drifting apart, like we’re friends, but I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing something without her.
My weight is going up, I’m gaining quite a lot of weight right now. Yeah, and it’s all my fault too, I’ve just been eating loads and I’ve been really shit. I’m starting to feel a bit fat right now, and so I need to watch it. I don’t know why I’ve started eating more. It might be the implant, or maybe its love-chub, or stress, or maybe boredom… I don’t know, but it’s just not good enough… So I’m working on it.
Okay, I think that’s my update complete. Let me know if you want anything. I think I’ll try to post an update at the end of each month if I don’t do it more often, even if just for myself. Xx
Adam told me that he loves me on saturday. It was literally perfect. He was crazy nervous and we were just lay next to eachother, we were naked and just talking to eachother and then he said it, I couldn’t stop smiling, I could barely stop enough to kiss him. I think that it meant a lot, he’s not the sort of guy to take that lightly. I really do love him though… I couldn’t be happier. He really is the most perfect boyfriend. I think that he’s incredible :) So happy!
So, I’ve been on holiday for what feels like forever, but has really only been 2 weeks. I missed New Years Eve with Adam and everything, but I’m going home tomorrow night, and I’m literally landing and then going to see him like 3 hours later… I’m so excited, it’s going to be great, literally just to see him will be fantastic! I can’t wait… Xxx
Hey everyone. Look, it’s my brilliant boyfriend…. doing a magic trick! Yep, that’s right, I’m going out with someone who does magic tricks in his spare time!
Seriously this is getting stupid, I’ve lost literally all of my self control, I’ve put on weight since being in a relationship and there’s nothing I wanted less. I mean Adam is already lighter than me, it can’t get more obvious. I promised myself I wouldn’t gain any weight but here I am… And I know it’s all my fault. I’ve been eating tonnes of crap and barely going to the gym. This needs fixing and right now. I really mean it. It’s getting to a point where if I don’t lose this weight my clothes are going to stop fitting me… My school skirt is already tighter… fucking hell.
So this evening my mum just got really drunk and was talking about how her and my dad aren’t doing so well. Basically it just really started to get me down. I don’t know how to deal with them anymore. My mum always gives my sisters a great time and she’s loads of fun and she’ll go and make chips at 10pm or make pancakes at 6.30am. But I always get the shit side of it… Anyways, yeah, I was really upset, so I called Adam. I literally spoke to him for about 5 minutes, and we didn’t even talk about my parents but he genuinely always makes me feel better. Yeah, I feel better now, I can’t believe how great he is… I feel like I could talk to him for days and never get bored of him. I’m going to bed much happier than I would’ve if he wasn’t there, he has no idea how much those 5 minutes helped.
I told my mum that me and Adam have had sex, and I also told her about the implant, and it actually went really well. She says she doesn’t encourage it, but that she’s happy that I’m happy and I’m growing up and there were tears from her and me, but it was all really good. I am glad that I’m not hiding it from her anymore and that I don’t have to keep it from her and she knows that I’m being sensible and I’m not an idiot. But yeah, everything’s great with Adam, and I’m just really really happy. Yeah, it’s all going pretty well :) Wow, yeah, the sex is pretty fab, he is great, our families met eachother and they like eachother, he’s literally the nicest guy I think I’ve ever met. I pretty much can’t think of anything about him I dislike. Yeah, he’s pretty brilliant. I just don’t know why we would break up, I know obviously that’s how everyone feels and its a naive approach, but from now until he goes to Uni, next September, I really do see us staying together. It’s going really well. Yeah, I’m just so happy :)
My weekend so far…
Yesterday Sally, Emma’s sister and I ended up staying up together drinking and having the biggest heart to heart. It was actually really nice. She’s just so fucked up. To be honest I can barely believe it really, because I thought that she wasn’t even that bad, not any more at least. There’s nothing I want more than to help her, but there’s nothing I know how to do. Fucking hell though, it is bad. She’s going through so much shit, and she doesn’t know how to help herself. I don’t know what to say or do. We ended up getting so drunk, we both threw up, and at one point I just suddenly had no knickers on… not sure why…
Yeah, and Lizzie came over, she ate so fucking much, and she purged at least 3/4 times. Like what the fuck do I do? I can’t tell her no, and I can’t tell her not to eat in the first place. Fuck. I hate that so much, because I really have no idea what I’m doing.
Then this evening Adam came over, fucking hell, every time I see him I like him even more than the last time. He’s just so fucking perfect. I literally cannot think of a single thing about him I don’t like. I just, fucking hell, like him so much. I can’t help myself from being happy when I’m with him. I can be like on the verge of tears and I know that if he’s there I’m fine. My mum was being an absolute pain today, the first time that he’s seen that. But he was just like “Are you okay” and he hugged me and stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, he’s just so perfect. He literally just makes me happy, makes it all okay. I don’t know how I was ever okay without him, or how I’ll ever be okay without him again… I’ve fallen head over heels guys. Fucking hell. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m going to ruin this, aren’t I? I’d better not… Yeah, so then my mum asked if he wanted to stay over for the night, and he basically said no, and then called a taxi at like 9.30 and went home. So, that’s alright I suppose, but yeah, I don’t know… It’s okay. I’m going to his tomorrow because he has a free house, so that should be good… It should be really good to be honest. But I was expecting to go round in the day, and he was like so do you want to come over at about 7? But he’ll be doing work and stuff, and I cannot be a really needy girlfriend. I do really really like him. Yeah, it’s all going well right now. Yeah, so we’ll see how tomorrow goes… Oh my god though, I just cannot believe how brilliant he is… Like I say, head over heels.
So, this weekend…
My friend Emma and my boyfriend, Adam, are family friends, it’s how I met him actually, so I spent Friday afternoon with him, bit of afterschool sexy time then Friday night with Emma, at hers, baking and stuff. Saturday morning I did some work, but had a very nice morning. Then we went to Adam’s in the afternoon which was actually so great, I had a really good time. I mean why wouldn’t I? I love Adam’s family and Emma’s too, so that was the afternoon and evening. Then it got to 9ish and then Emma’s family left the house, and me and Adam headed off to a party, Rosie’s, one of his friends, who I have a class with in school, and all of their friends, who I semi-knew. Anyways, so it was such a good time, and we played drinking games, ring of fire, and people got so wasted. And then because me and Adam ended up getting there later than other people, we were pretty sober, in comparison, and we were partially in charge of looking after people. But oh my god, I had so much fun. I had never really liked the crew before but I really do like them now, yeah, I had a fab time! Then it got to like 2.30am and we were all so tired. So me and Adam got the sofa bed, with a strict no sex rule (which we listened to obviously) but we were both in our underwear and just so comfortable and I just lay next to him all night, and it was so nice, and warm and just made me feel happy, like there was no reason to worry about all of the things which make me worried, like he just fixes everything while he’s around. Everything about him makes me happy. Literally though, like I just can’t think of any reason to dislike him. He just makes me feel so great, and he just is so great. Yeah, fucking hell, I really like him. I think I’m a little worried I like him more than he likes me if I’m honest. We were then all kicked out of the house early this morning, so I went back to his and we had breakfast and sex, and then I went home. And then my parents had their friends, who I like, over, and that was a lovely evening. So all round a fantastic weekend! Yeah, I had the best time with Adam. Fucking hell. Yeah, I really like him…He’s just so brilliant, I honestly don’t think there’s anyone in the whole world who dislikes him. So fucking glad that I actually went out with him, I wasn’t 100% convinced to begin with… But yeah, he’s just a great boyfriend. Absolutely fantastic.
Need to go to the gym… badly. It has been the longest time since I actually went to the gym, and the thing is that I love it. I know that if I go then I’ll most likely start going again, but right now, I’m being so shit and making excuses, and putting on weight, and it needs to stop right here. I cannot get fat. Full stop. That’s it. I can’t put on any weight, not while everyone around me is looking the same, is looking better than me. I just won’t allow it. Fucking hell, I need to just shut the fuck up and fix everything right now. I need to sort out my life, because at the moment I’m just going nowhere and doing nothing, I’m wasting everything… I don’t want to think that this has been a year wasted. Saw that Elizabeth had some cuts today, they weren’t deep or frequent but they were something, and we’re not that close anymore, I don’t know how to help her, I never have done. I just want to hug her and have her know that I will do anything she wants. I’m so unsure about what I want to do forever at the moment, I’m going to end up doing nothing and being nobody because I didn’t sort it out soon enough. I need to fix myself a decent list of things to put on my personal statement. Things with everyone at home are going okay, I just can’t be bothered with my parents’ shit anymore, I just can’t be bothered. I wish that they’d just fuck off with their own problems and just bloody divorce eachother if they’re so bloody well unhappy, it’s not like it would impact us anyways. Adam’s good though, he’s so fucking normal. Never does he have anybody else’s shit to put up with, his family is so perfect and his friends are all so fucking “nice” and boring. He doesn’t know how to dislike someone, oh he makes me laugh. It’s a good thing that I’ve got something going right now. Otherwise I don’t know how I’d deal with any of it. He’s my weekly break from all things abnormal. A trip outside my own fucking head for a while. Everyone always jokes that I’m bipolar, I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with myself right now. I have no idea what I’m thinking, or how I’ll feel in an hour, or how I felt yesterday, I don’t understand anything. Like I’m watching someone else. I don’t know what is going on. I barely even look like myself. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing, how I feel. I just feel unsure, and lost. Like I don’t know what I should be doing. All I want is something. Something to make me feel like this isn’t all a waste, that I’m not going to step into this life, the only one I have, then wander through a spectator, only to realise when I’m old and unhappy that I wasted it all and I have left nothing behind. Nothing of note or merit. Nothing that means anything. Right now that’s all I know. I don’t know how to write how I’m feeling, so I thought I’d just throw it all into my fingers, leave it here and then look at it, and see if I can figure out how I feel… I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s exactly how I am… I just don’t know what I’m doing at the moment. That’s it.
So this morning my mum told me that in January, me, her and my two sisters are moving out of the house and my dad might not join us. Plus my boyfriend’s dad no hates me because he knows we’ve had sex, my skin is looking horrible at the moment, I am so bloated and I ate two packets of sharing crisps as well as other food already today. So yeah, well I suppose that my life was only going to be going well for so long right? Fuck.
Got a weird plastic thing in my arm now, releasing hormones into my body as we speak… Yeah, so I’ve got the implant now! Yay! In a week I can have as much sex as I want… So that’s gonna be great!! So, it was weird and just a generally strange experience getting it put in… Yeah, unusual to say the least. But Adam is happy that I’ve had it done, and I am too, because this means that for the next 3 years I’m covered for pregnancy, so that’s great, obviously. So, the whole thing didn’t hurt at all really, it wasn’t as much of an ordeal as I was expecting. Then she put a bandage on to stop it from bruising too much, and I’ve taken that off now, and it’s absolutely fine, like no problem at all. And then that’s it. Also, she had to check my BMI while I was there, and it’s 24, that’s normal!! Yay!! Yeah, that was nice, for sure. :) Anyways, so I’m so happy that I’ve had it done, should be good, and I can have all the sex I want to now… Looking forward to this one! ;) X
Saw Adam again today, fucking hell I like him a lot, sometimes I think a tiny bit too much, but he’s not a prick, he’s not planning on hurting me, so that’s okay, I have no reason to be worried to like him. We had sex again today. It really is just getting better. It was good today… Really good. Yeah, I cannot fucking wait to see him again. Fucking hell, I really like him. And hopefully the next time I see him I will have had the implant, hoping to get it with Elizabeth this Thursday, so then we don’t even have to bother with condoms. Yes. Should be fucking brilliant! :) Oh, I have the best time with him though, all of the time. Like today I told his 9 year old sister that we’d build a den with her, so we literally draped 3 blankets over the gap between two beds and we sat underneath it, and I just had so much fun, it was fab. Yeah, I really like him.
So me and one of my best friends, Elizabeth, have decided that we both want the contraceptive implant. I mean, I’ve had a look at it, and it really does look absolutely great, and I really can’t see any side effects, and then if there are you can take it out, it’s more effective than condoms, and it lasts 3 years. Thank you very much. Anyways, the hospital really really close to us does them so they’re not open until Monday but I’m going to call and see if they’ll give us one, because after having had sex like twice condoms are already the biggest pain, not as much of a pain as getting pregnant, but a pain none the less, so this really does need fixing like now. Had sex again today, fucking hell it was so much better than the first time we did it, yeah, it’s going to be good. :)
So my weightloss…
Well, my non existent weight loss at least. Basically, I’ve not lost ANY weight since the beginning of the summer holiday, in about June, so we’re talking stationary for 4 months. I mean I’ve gone up and down in that time, but no real change. The thing is that I am a little smaller now than I was then, but not very much. I mean my ugw is currently like 10lbs away, and I really do want to reach it at some point. So, recently both Emma and Lizzie have said that they don’t really want me to lose too much more, that they were both like you look really good at the moment, and if you then lose a lot more weight then you just won’t look like yourself any more, you know? Well, that’s fine, but it’s their opinion and it’s not really that important to me, I mean, it is, but what I think clearly means more. I think that at the moment, I do look pretty good, I look okay, just not quite enough, I look fine, but I want to be a head turner, you know? I want to look really good. Then Adam, see he clearly thinks I look good and when I’m around him I feel good too. I just don’t feel like anyone would find me sexy, I want to be clearly the best option. Does that make any sense at all? Yeah, so right now I feel good most of the time, but I have too many days where I feel fat, I never have enough options when it comes to choosing and buying clothes, I’m just not there right now. I want to have less days where I feel fat and more when I feel sexy.
I’m so close now, I’ve lost 25lbs, another 10 should be fine. I want to follow the 6 weeks to OMG plan, and hopefully it will go well, and in 6 weeks I’ll be exactly where I want to be… Yeah, I’ve had enough of this plateau, and I’ve been really shit the past few months, and I refuse to be one of those people who put on 10lbs as soon as they get a boyfriend. I can’t do that. Because then I’d be like a stone heavier than him, and I can’t have that! Yeah, I’ve realised how much I want it, and how much I’ve been throwing it away for ice cream and crisps and chocolate buttons. I can’t just keep doing that! Wish me luck!
