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So I have always been very tall for my age, taller than all the girls and the guys. I was also very chubby. My parents called it puppy fat, my friends, the few that I had didn’t seem to notice it. It never really bothered me.
I don’t remember eating unhealthily, I just liked food, and therefore ate a lot of it. I just hated exercise, I never did any. I dreaded P.E. in school, and as my friends will tell you know, they have almost never seen me work up a sweat, I just don’t do it. Why would running around a field in the sun excite me? I was more than content reading a book or talking in the shade.
I have asked my parents why they never forced me to do any exercise, as I was pretty unfit, and their response? “Oh, believe me, we tried!” So I suppose that I was just plain lazy.
There were many points in my child and adult life that should have been serious wake up calls for me, but instead of reminding me that I was unhealthy and forcing me to do something about it these things just made me unhappy, and wanting to be anybody but myself.
In year 6, aged 10ish, some government health check was done, and although I was a few inches taller than most other girls, I remember someone being teased because they were 48kg. I was 63kg, I absolutely lied through my teeth, said I was 45. I have no idea how anyone believed me! That was probably the start of any negative ideas that I had about myself. This wasn’t because of the media, or models etc. I just didn’t want to be the fattest one of all my friends, something which, I am ashamed to say, hasn’t changed.
When we went to Kenya, around 4 years ago, my cousin’s friend, who we met, for the first time, called me fat and ugly. He didn’t imply it, he down right said “you are fat, and ugly” When my parents heard that, they were outraged that anyone would say such a thing, but they didn’t tell me that it wasn’t true.
My mum has her problems and addictions, and when she has been drunk she’s quite regularly told me I am fat, ugly, worthless, mostly I would say as a blow against herself. That one hurts. A lot. I have actually been through some counselling in the last 3/4 years, and although I’ve stopped now, I never get to the point where I don’t want to be me anymore. I have dealt with some problems, and I feel much more happy with myself now, and I know that my future has endless possibilities, and it can be whatever I want. Although I say this, I’m not happy with my body, and I’m not entirely happy with the way I am right now. The difference is that I see the opportunity for change, and I have that choice, as do you. If you feel like I did, ask for help if you want it, anon or otherwise.
Anyway, I finished school, and moved on to the next one, because I was 11, that’s how we do it in the UK. I still didn’t think that I was that fat, I knew I was officially overweight, but it didn’t bother me that much. Slowly, I stopped being the tallest, everyone caught up to me, at only 5’2”, but I was still the heaviest. I still weighed more than them, and I never even realised it. I don’t know when that clicked, and when I decided something must be done, a long time ago.
My friend remembers me saying that year that I was going on a diet, I don’t really remember, I do however remember, not being happy with my weight, I never ate breakfast or lunch, I fainted a few times. Then I would have quite a big dinner. I used to weigh myself obsessively, a few times a day, but my weight never really seemed to drop.
I went through a phase of losing weight, and about 2 years ago I was at my thinnest of 130something pounds. I actually felt good. I still had a 34DD bust, and my thighs still touched, but I was alright, still not completely happy but okay. I went on holiday, enjoyed wearing a bikini, but gained 6/7 lbs worth of holiday weight. It never shifted and that 6lbs soon became 30lbs.
It didn’t take long, or much effort, to lose that first 10lbs, but I have been working on the 2nd 10lbs for a long time, and not gotten very far. I keep on losing weight then putting it on, again and again. I lost my steam and willpower somewhere along the way. I desperately want to feel happy, and I just don’t want to look the way that I do right now. I want to make that change, and it isn’t easy, but I will try. As long as I am trying then that is better than doing nothing at all.
Even now, however all of my friends weigh at least 10lbs less than me, and they are ALL taller than me. Some of my friends are 5 inches taller than me and 20lbs lighter. I am used to being the ugly, fat one, but that isn’t who I want to be anymore. So I am trying to change myself, but it certainly isn’t easy.
I will support anyone, who is in this with me, and I hope that you, and I, succeed. I am not pro eating disorders but I will help everybody. X Lots of Love
In November 2011, I added;
So right now, I am just over 140lbs. I am really proud of myself and how far I have come. I am still the heaviest of my friends, and still the shortest, I think, well I’m certainly the biggest clothes size, but not by that much. I actually feel quite good about myself at the moment, and I am proud of how far I have come. When I look in the mirror, I can see the difference, I can see how far I’ve come, and how well I’ve done.
I have lost nearly a stone, I remember when I couldn’t get any lower than 11 stone, and I stayed there for about a month, but now I am almost at 10 stone. It has been a very long time since I’ve been under 10 stone, and I must say I wasn’t there for long, probably less than a month or so. I am no longer the largest size in any shop, I never have the embarrassment of not having the biggest thing not zip up, and I feel good about that. I have had lots of compliments over the past few weeks, from my friends, parents and extended family. But, most importantly I am feeling good, I am really proud of myself. I can also see the change in my face, and obviously my body. Not only am I smaller, but I also have definitely got more muscle definition.
I must say that I am losing weight very slowly, and I’ve not made many changes to my lifestyle. At the moment I am still an unhealthy BMI, and I have never been at a healthy weight. At the moment this is a major goal for me, and at 136lbs, my lowest, and healthy weight I will be absolutely blissfully happy. I know that weight does not define a person, and it shouldn’t make you happy or unhappy, but it does, and I very much refuse to ever be mu highest weight again.
If you have any questions, then ask, and if enough people do, then I will create a “what I do” page. I can really see no disadvantages with what I’ve been doing, and I would urge anyone who is considering losing weight to definitely do it. Every bit of sacrifice, and effort is absolutely worth it.
If you are unhappy with the way you look, if you don’t want to put “lose weight” on your christmas wish-list, or New Years Resolutions, or wish for it at 11:11, you need to put yourself first. If you’re unhappy about something, change it. This counts with everything. Life is way too short, and if you don’t like your life, change it, if you don’t like your job, change it, if you don’t like your relationship, change it. Be happy, because I firmly believe you only get one life, and it is whatever you make of it. You never lose he chance to change something. If you want something, you either make results or excuses. Make your choice.
Right, although the end of this has become less about my story, I think it shows how far I’ve come mentally, and obviously physically. Never be shy to ask, and I wish you all the best of luck, with whatever you want to do. Xx Much Love