Well, this year has been a little disappointing to be honest. I think that the start of 2011 had me at a reasonably low point, I can’t really remember how I felt, and I don’t remember feeling good. I’m trying to remember where I was this time last year, I don’t know. I can remember literally every New Year before, for years and years, but not this one. I don’t know if that says anything. Anyway, last Christmas was a low point for me, it was when I felt the worst about myself, I had an awful self body image, and I really, honestly wanted to be anyone other than myself, not that anyone would know. My New Year was again full of good intentions, I was going to lose weight, and be happy, and feel great, and have a good time, but I guess it didn’t really happen. The beginning of this year was really when I got tumblr, I suppose that was a turning point for me, in terms of having somewhere to direct everything. I don’t know if that was really good for me or not. School was pretty boring, as per, nothing new or interesting. My councillor left in the June, another low point, my god, that was awful, I don’t think anybody could have understood what an impact that had on me, I mean it didn’t have tat much of an impact on me for a few months, I still miss her. I went councilling for about 3 years, it started with a visit from social services, me feeling betrayed, me feeling like I’d betrayed other people, it continued to keep me sane, and allowed me to talk, and understand myself more, and let me know that I am important, I think I miss that more than anything. Not a lot has changed at home, not a lot at all. There is always the promise of a new beginning, and this New Year is no different, but change hasn’t turned up yet. In September, I started a journal, kind of a diary, but I don’t really want to call it that. That became my replacement for counselling, I think it’s great, one of the best and most useful things I’ve done, and continue to do. I started losing weight in about September, because I realsied that I was like all of the people I hate, who sit around, complaining but don’t try to change their situation. So, I looked at myself, and I thought about what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be, I thought of the things I wanted to change about myself, and I figured the way I feel about myself is largely determined by the fact that I’m overweight. I decided to change, and so I did. I’e been losing weight slowly, since September, and I can certainly see the difference. I think that my year started pretty badly, and kept on getting worse, until I basically decided that I needed to make a change, if change was what I wanted, and so I did.
I think that next year, I will continue to get healthier, and make positive chances towards my goals. I know that I have some good friends, who will continue to help me, and I think that this year my main issue is my body image. I know that obviously losing weight will affect that, but I think that is one of the things which is holding me back right now. I seem a very confident person, my friends would never ever call me shy, self conscious or introverted, and I am none of those things, I am however less confident than I may appear. I am happy with my head, but not with myself, if that makes sense. If bodies didn’t come into the equation I would be fine, but I can’t help but shy away from cameras and hate it when anybody looks at me for more than a few seconds at a time. After I figure that out, I think I will be much happier. I don’t even know if I’m making sense half of the time. Now deciding whether I should put this on my public blog, or private, well, I suppose both are pretty anonymous, so it’s not like it really matters anyway. Right never mind. I’ll be writing soon. Xxx
If you ever told yourself that you'd lose weight by a certain time, and didn't. If that pair of too small for you jeans are still collecting dust in your closet. If every now and again you cave in and eat that slice of chocolate cake, or tub of ice cream. If you see a skinny girl and always think, damn I wish I could be her, or fuck I hate myself. I'm such a lard. If you ever look at your reflection in disappointment, or at the numbers on the scale with sadness, or at your skinny friends with jealousy. You aren't alone. You can do this. We can do this. We can prove to the world that we did it. We can prove all those non believers wrong. But most importantly we can look in the mirror, and reluctantly admit, yeah I'm beautiful for the first time in a long while. You will get there.